Motherhood: Incoming

He Is Not The Father

But as he left, he grabbed my bump and kissed it, as if saying ‘Ciao’ to his own son.

He’s not the father and he knows it. We split up after a massive fight. I didn’t go round to his. He didn’t call or text. For the best part of three months.

Three weeks into ‘trying again’, we found out I was pregnant. No bullshit, no lies. No cheating.

He is not the father, but he’s started behaving like a dad in his subconscious attachments. His father left the earth about 20 years ago, 16th June. Sometimes, I think he really does want to be a father, but he knows how messed up he is that he doesn’t want to give that to his son.

But other times I see a glimmer in his eye that says he can do it.

I was mad at him for a fortnight. Then I laid eyes on him, smelt his stench, and he was forgiven. Just like that.

Addicts Raising Addicts

The hypocrisy of an addict raising an addict and then expecting them not to be an addict infuriates me.

When a child witnesses a parents addiction, be it drugs, gambling or alcoholism, whether the child internalises the behaviour as normal or abnormal, the behaviour has an element of normality in their life.

To reprimand and scold me in my weaker moments, as I battle my demons in an attempt to set a better example to my child than you did with me makes my blood boil.

As I sit here, smelling your substance use, a recovering addict, I wonder if you have any idea how shaped I have been by your addiction.

Prison Break: Do Babies Want Out?

39+5

It dawned on me, as I sat on the toilet, urination station visit 15 or other, that babies in utero probably feel like the walls are closing in on them. Like that nightmare where the ceiling is coming down, and the walls are moving towards you and death by crumple is imminent.

It’s no wonder we don’t remember. Repressed traumatic experiences and whatnot.